Finding A Way Forward

Finding A Way Forward

For the first time in a long time, I am finding it difficult to put words to my feelings. I have, with lots of help, learned to identify how I feel and give that feeling the space and time it deserves. This isn't a "skill" that came innately for me, it took lots of practice and I don't always get it right. One thing this practice gives me is a small, personal, sense of power.

For the past couple of weeks however, I have struggled to "name" my feelings. Maybe it's because I am overwhelmed and feeling too many things at once, I don't know. One thing I do know is I don't like feeling this shift in my power.

As some of you will know, the person I believe committed heinous crimes against me is due to be released from prison. As I type this, he could already be a free man, I don't know. It's the unknown that only serves to add to an already very difficult situation.

My life changed upon finding out who the person I now believe to be the man who destroyed my world 2 weeks shy of my 21st birthday in 2004 was. I was lured into a false sense of freedom and security as I finally knew where this person was - in prison. I lived with less self-imposed (as a result of what happened) restrictions and felt a lightness in my shoulders that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I didn't all-of-a-sudden shed the debilitating panic attacks or crippling anxiety - unfortunately, these after effects, alongside so many more, are, I fear, with me for life. But I did feel a strength I hadn't felt before - I no longer felt as caged in. The world around me opened up a little more and things felt more possible. I began to try things others do regularly without thinking - I slept in a ground floor apartment, I went to a music festival and stayed for the whole weekend. I had hope.

When I came forward in 2020 identifying the man I believe raped me, I could have never foresaw what lay ahead of me - the never-ending investigation, the gruelling, life altering trial process, the incessant media intrusion, the many vile and hate-filled threads about me on social media platforms. I am acutely aware that the only reason my case gets the attention it does is because of the person I believe carried out the crimes against me and the other cases he is also connected to. I waived my right to anonymity in 2015 to share my story and hopefully raise awareness. This was many years before there was a suspect or an investigation into my case. Do I regret it? Truthfully, sometimes I do, but for the most part I realise that I could have never known what lay ahead. I made the best decision for me at that time and, hopefully, helped others in the process. But I will say, it has come back to bite me in the bum at times.

There are hundreds of thousands of women raped every single day and the crimes against them are disbelieved, disputed, disregarded, not reported or not investigated. I am no different to them nor are they to me - we are all victims of horrendous crimes that none of us had a choice in. Every day perpetrators of rape and sexually motivated crimes either dodge the law or are being released from prison having served menial sentences and their victims, who are mainly women and girls, begin their sentence again. None of us choose the person who rapes us. None of us choose to be raped. 

I'll say that again - Their sentence ends and ours begins - I am starting to feel the pressure of my sentence picking up from where it left off and with that, comes a whole host of emotions I am struggling to deal with. Feelings I thought I'd never have to revisit. Fears I thought were finally behind me. I share this, not for sympathy, but in solidarity with the many, many others who are in the same boat as me - a boat we never asked to be in and a community nobody else ever wants to be a part of.

I have said this before and I'll say it again, "surviving is a lonely walk" and if by sharing how I feel helps another person feel less alone on their path forward, then, at the very least, something good will come from a pretty effed up situation.

How victims and survivors are treated both publicly and privately does not lend to encouraging others to come forward and seek the support and help they more than deserve. Seeing convicted rapists and abusers receiving minimal sentences and what could essentially be deemed legal protection upon release, while the victim-survivor (who is legally considered a "witness to a crime") is left to fend for themselves, only serves to confirm that the system is perpetrator centred and not victim centred. The system is broken and it continues to break and re-traumatise people. I, and so many others, are testament to this. 

I don't have any wise words to share and I don't know how things will pan out but one thing I do know for certain is that I am not alone in this fight and neither are you. We are surrounded by the strength and resilience of our fellow victims-survivors who, quietly or loudly, and against all the odds, push forward every day. Together we are stronger and I send virtual hugs in solidarity to you all today and every day. Thank you, as without you all I know my path forward would be a whole lot harder than it already is. 

Le grá,

Hazel